Update. (For lack of a creative title)

Hey guys!

Hope you're all doing well. I pray as you read this you are filled with love and joy.

I've been struggling with thinking of what to write about. I feel like the first couple weeks I was overwhelmed with all the newness and being immersed in God's powerful presence. Everything was new and exciting so I had tons to write about. I think God had a lot he wanted to do and deal with at the beginning to get me set on the right track and get some healing and heart surgery out of the way. 

First I can say God is good and he is faithful. As cliche as it sounds, it couldn't be more true. Through the ups and downs this month I've seen his goodness as a constant through-line. Oh! By the way, today is my one month anniversary with Pemba, Mozambique. May 29th I arrived! Can't believe it's June 29th already. The days and weeks are REALLY starting to fly by. 

I think the last week or 2 I have been in a bit of a funk. Not sure why. A lot happened in our house. We had some major spiritual attacks, including one girl having to go home, which was really sad. I didn't feel like it affected me that much, but I'm wondering if it did on a subconscious level more than I realized. I've also been doing a lot of soul-searching and questioning. 

Yesterday, our house got to go off base to another Iris property on a different beach for kind of a "debriefing" time for all the struggles that had gone on in our house the past week or two. We have really been blessed and loved on. Everyone has been so caring. Yesterday was a wonderful time! Gorgeous scenery, fun time with my house family, and time away to breathe and refocus. One of the guest speakers and her team who's main ministry is inner-healing, came with us and spoke to us and ministered/prayed/prophesied over us. It's was a sweet, sweet time. And to top it off, they treated us to dinner afterwards at an amazing restaurant! God is good and he apparently likes to spoil house 9. ;) the best house by far btw! 

When I first planned to come here I felt like I was completely surrendered and ready to go wherever God would send me. I also felt (or maybe just hoped) that I would get some big, monumental calling. I'd fall on the ground and hear the audible voice of God telling me exactly what to do and where to go. Ok, maybe that's wishful thinking, but one can hope right? Lol. 

Anyway, ever since I've been here, I've felt less and less of a draw to be a missionary. I've felt so selfish and self-centered and often counting the days till I would be home with all my loved ones and all my comforts of home. I've had thoughts of "nope this isn't for me. I wasn't cut out for this. I'm just called to comfortable America." I've been wrestling with verses like leaving father and mother for the gospel, selling everything and giving to the poor etc. Did Jesus really mean those things? Was that message just to some or to every believer? I've felt a lot of guilt and fear, which I know isn't from The Lord but there is an extreme amount pressure I've been feeling. I also know that the goal of this school isn't pressure or guilt tripping but that's what I've been feeling in class a lot. And I leave class feeling confused and guilty and frustrated. Again, I know that is none of the speakers goal and they're intentions are Godly and pure. I'm probably putting the guilt and pressure on myself, but nevertheless that is what I've felt.

Something else that has been bothering me is my heart towards the people here. I expected to come here and fall in love with the people and immerse myself in the culture and learn from them and have God break my heart for them. Up until this week, almost the opposite had happened. Which is so out of character for me. Normally in Guatemala and other places I've been, I absolutely love connecting with the local people and learning their culture and immersing myself in it. Here I've had almost no desire. I've wanted to be alone or with my housemates. I'm just being brutally open and honest. I haven't wanted to be around the Mozambicans much. Too much noise, too hot, too different, kids too pushy, too touchy, too hard with the language barrier, too whatever, you name it, I've had the excuses. And it made me angry because like I said, that's so uncharacteristic of me. 

With all of that said, I feel like a weight has lifted from me this week. Not sure how or why. Well I do. It's Jesus working in me. But I've been able to re-surrender and find peace in trusting Jesus, knowing that his plans are perfect and he will guide me even if it's one baby step at a time. 

God has been softening my heart. I feel like this first half of my time here has been him working on my heart and sovereignly giving me the time to wrest and soak up his presence. (Which He knows I couldn't have done as well if I was spending all the time doing "ministry"). So even through my weakness and selfishness, He is sovereign. Even the last couple days, God has been softening my heart and bringing me joy in serving. One of my assignments is to help in children's church on Sundays. Today God opened my heart so much to the children. I knew it was him, because my attitude and feelings toward the kids were so different today. I had so much fun with them and my heart was just breaking for them and yet so full of joy spending time with them and loving on them. They are so beautiful. Today in church, I had two girls leaning on me and fell asleep on me. They were precious. All of their smiles and hugs are helping to soften my heart again. I feel like I'm feeling some of the same feelings I felt my first few trips to Guatemala. I pray that God is reviving my heart and continues the work he started. 

Please pray for continued guidance and openness on my part. Pray that I will hear God's voice and more importantly: listen. Pray for my heart to be transformed and broken with love for the people around me, whether they are the people I'm "called to" or not. 

On a more practical level, I have been really healthy the last two weeks! Praise Jesus! Although I have some kind of lingering, very weird throat issue. Never felt anything like it before. Occasionally if I start to cry or inhale a certain way I feel like there's something sharp in my throat. Not sure what's wrong with it. It's only once in awhile, so nothing too bad, but slightly concerning. 

No running water still. I've lived a month without running water so I feel pretty invincible! Haha. It's been on a handful of times for an hour or so, but never lasts. I guess the water pump was broken or something and they didn't have the means to replace it. Students have donated money to get it sorted out so we may have running water again soon, but honestly I've completely adjusted and I'd rather have chocolate or peanut butter than running water. ;) 

Movie night!

God bless you!